What did this experience have on me? Was it an exercise in proving myself to…fill in the blank? Was it just an inconvenience? Was it a source of antagonism? Or rather a chance to delve into my inadequacies in my walk with Christ, and get more of a glimpse of the reality of my (human) condition?

 

The time and travel requirement of the meetings, the mixed messages, and the imperfection of human collaboration; worse than that was the pre-judgement that I brought with me to every meeting. The struggles that took place for me on every level were wearisome. I’d like to say that the comradery made up for this energy drain, though at best it equalized it.

 

We all draw our proverbial lines in the sand. We say, “I’ll go this far and that is it, from there on out they are on their own.” As if we are in charge; as if we set the ground rules. Why are we typically resistant to realize and work forward from the premise that He gave us everything? We struggle so for our independence; if we truly accept that He gave us everything then we can also accept that He will empower us (however feeble we feel). If we could just stop our self-sufficient nonsense, our being offended nonsense, our being over-tasked nonsense, our general refusal to serve others in love because of…fill in the blank, then we would learn to love as we were intended. I know that this stubbornness I sense in my soul will continue to refuse Him and will require Kairos-type servitude if I hope to continue to learn His truth.

 

As for the issue of these people that I served that weekend; being in a prison with convicted offenders, this causes discord in general. Yes, they are in prison to serve their punishment because they seriously caused damage to another person(s) in some regard. So why not serve those who have not perpetrated such crimes? There’s so much to address in that question, it would take many discussions to do it justice. To me that is not the question; rather, the question is: when an interest of service to Christ presents itself, why not? Why not just do it, then later question the reasoning and pause for reflection? I at least realize I have much to learn, so much that I would be stressed if I told the actual amount.

 

As tired as I am, as emotionally and spiritually exhausted as I feel, I know that this type of experience (this amount of inconvenience) is necessary for me to learn the real meaning of agape love. He desires us to learn it (however difficult that may be) so that we can practice it.

 

You may have heard stories from Kairos volunteers of how much change took place in the prisoners that they served; I will not report anything unique. I was skeptical, though I realized quickly the open-mic testimonies from these women were sincere; yes, more honesty of how their crimes hurt others could have been mentioned and I do hope they are working on that repentance with Christ, though their personal reflections were brutal. Most of the testimonies were reflecting how they deeply hurt their children or family, quickly followed with stories of how those relatives turned them away; ownership and understanding of that denial was declared and the pain that accompanied was equally searing.

 

There was also testimony from a prisoner who went through a Kairos weekend a few years prior. She admitted that she fell back into the daily prison life survival mode. She slowly stopped praying and ceased to read Scripture that led to a direct – negative – change in her personality and choices.  After a bit of coaxing she started to attend the Kairos monthly reunions, which led her to return to a daily discipline of time with Christ. Within one month of this she rekindled a relationship with her sister and eventually her children.

 

Christ is powerful, though sometimes we don’t see it because the power is not revealed in ways that we think it should be. Christ can do anything – anything that is necessary for us to learn as He wants – and needs – us to learn. He is omnipotent not benevolent; we are wise to learn this distinction in our day-to-day existence.